Monologues Piss Me OFF

Dear Cambridge,
Hey, is this okay? I think you can see a bit of wrinkles...Not that I have any, mind you, but I am getting older.  Wait..I think this position is wrong...I think maybe I should turn like this..or maybe I should be more Bar Rafaeli about it..Ya know, jewish genes and all..Start like this..Wait wait! can we retake? No? oh..then...
Hello cambridge! I've astdiously been following your brilliant system for quite some time now, and over the years you've taught me so much. You've taught me my weaknesses and my strenghs,  you've build up my character and knowledge. You've offered me so much, that I decided I should give something back.
*gestures hands around* Me. Carrie Underwood.
you can clearly see the amount of talent I have and that I rightfully shouldn't be here.I should be in bigger places, doing biggers things. Like...Representing you.
You guys over there have shaped your name and came to the top. When you think cambridge, you think power, you think knowledge - and for some reason, you kind of think of tea - but you don't have an image in your head. Yes, you have the thick bold Cambridge name with that little red symbol that I honestly never looked at, and Im guessing no one else has. Im probably making you realize what a mistake you have done-
you have no face to the world and you need one.
So the obvious solution is...well, me.
I've entered your official site and first thing I see is a girl. Yes, indeed, she's pretty but she clearly can't handle the pressure of reresenting the second- best university in the world - and she clearly doesn't have the attitude for it. I'm willing to sacrifice my freedom and my education to shortly represent you,  and then be led to my ultimate goal: Fame.
Unfortunately, fame does not lay in Britain. It lies in America.
Do not fret, Cambridge, for I will represent you well - once people will turn their heads around and notice the amount of grace and talent I have, they will also notice you, my sponsors.
I really don't want to go to America that badly, but any actor who has any chance of succeding needs to go there. The real reason why I don't want to go there is because America clearly has some problems.
Let's start with the statue of Lady Justice.
It's the all american image - and it really needs an upgrade. The pose, the structure - Lady Justice clearly needs a makeover. She needs a Victoria Beckham edge, she needs to show those lovely curves and change her hand gesture. Tip for you lucky male examiners over Cambridge - Hand gestures show a lot about a woman.

Never mind that, though. I guess ill endure it for a while, being in a America I mean. I will be the incarnation of Madonna, only less facials and face operations.
I will raise to be the ideal face the world so clearly is crying for - I will be the ideal role model.
Im not going to Miley Cyrus all over this, I will take my responsibiles carefully.
You see, Cambridge, women with talent such as myself always don't fit in. The reason why Destiny's Child broke up - Beyonce was just too good. I am Beyonce. It's obviously the reason why people won't talk to me - I intimidate them with the glow of endowment I have.
The other day I was walking when my follow colleges thought it was funny to throw food at my hair - which by the way i spend two hours doing - and laughed about it.
I smiled like they were the paparazi and endured it. Celebrities don't have it easy.
Once I will reach the pinnacle of fame, I will walk Earth like it's a huge red carpet - and you, Cambridge, will obviously benefit from having me represent you.You'll finally gain your ground and make Oxford look like a kindergarden *stutters* for..for.. dogs! Yes! You will lower it's name that much! As soon as you've seen this video, you can contact me through the school. My parents are already aware that they led a star into the world and will, of course, accept your proposal. They always knew I would flourish into a beautiful character.
This is Carrie Underwood, aka your future Barbara Stresiand.